Thursday, July 31, 2014

Enough

All around me, I see people doing so much more than I am able to.

More work
More working out
More volunteering
More cooking
More cleaning
The list could go on forever.

It is hard for me not to beat myself up about this, tell myself that I should be able to do more, I should be able to volunteer more, make videos more, create more artwork, more, more, more.

But I can't.

I just can't if I want to be the person I want to be so much.

I have to realize I am doing all I can, all I need to do and I am doing enough.

I am enough.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sU5mmCHfkaA





Monday, July 28, 2014

Why not??


I just received an email from my mother-in-law that hit me right in heart:

A note of appreciation of family!!   Thank you one and all for keeping our lives interesting, (in a very good way), keeping us in touch with each of you and your families (though distance is getting in the way at times!)   We appreciate the love and concern you show for each other and for us.   We consider ourselves especially blessed to have each of you.... (and by now hopefully anyone who was an "in-law" should realize you are our children just as much as if you had our genes!)

So, there, ....feeling thankful and ready to take a walk on a beautiful morning with a very special favorite person and special dog.    Guess the gorgeous sunrise this morning has made me super appreciative!

THIS people is what I am talking about.
Why don’t we do this more often?

Why don’t we tell each other the love we have for them ALL THE TIME?
Why do we feel  if we do that, it makes us weak?

Why do we feel we have to be strong and in control all the time?
I am over it.

I am getting better at it – at expressing my love to all in all situations – but I am not going to lie and say it is easy.

It isn’t. 
There is a fear of rejection craved into me. It wasn’t done be any one person, but more the world. Unfortunately, I feel that most people have something like this carved into them as well.

Let’s all try to putty over the line carved in us to make us whole again.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

The Fight


The air is thick with excitement from the on-lookers ready to see someone go down. They are ready to see someone get punched with an iron fist and get laid out flat.

Not a real iron fist of course, but a fist so strong it feels like metal is hidden somewhere in that glove.

The crowd is getting fired up as the seconds from the clock tick away.

Tick away to where, no one really knows or cares.

Then just like that, it is here.

Fight time is here.

The fighters are introduced one at a time.

A hush so intense falls over the crowd. You can hear the metallic cloth rubbing together of the fighter’s shorts as she walks into the ring. You can see the sweat glisten on her body as the fighter steps in and out of the spotlight.

“In this corner, we have the defending champion” blares out of the speakers. 

She is adorned with gold from head to toe and has a look in her eye that scares even the on-lookers who are thanking God right now that it isn’t them who must fight this beast.

“And in the other corner, we have a newbie here at the ring. She comes to us from Austin, with no prior training in this field of fighting.  Our surprise guest is such a surprise, she doesn’t even know she will be fighting until right at this moment.”

“Renee, come on down.”

I look around to see who else is named Renee.
How bizarre I think to myself. Why would they make a surprise guest fight?

Then I notice, no one stands up.

You can feel the crowd getting more inpatient by the second as everyone's anxiety starts to grow.

The spot light is now shinning its harsh light into my eyes. I put my arm up to shield the direct beam assault.

My heart jumps into my throat as I think to myself this is a cruel joke to be playing on me.
Don’t these people know my right leg is numb from one too many brain surgeries?
Don’t these people know I have had cancer one too many times?
Don’t these people care?
All eyes are on me now.  The crowd goes quiet, just looking at me.  Just waiting to see what I will do.

I don’t know what to do.

Then I hear it from deep in my heart whispering to me that I have to do this. This whisper tells me I will be ok – more than ok. I will be great.
I tell my heart I don’t want to. I don’t want to go. I didn’t sign up for this shit. Someone else signed up for it – not me.

There it is again, my name being called out over the loud booming speaker that echoes off the walls and around in my head. The intense stares from the crowd are starting to eat into my soul.
I know I can’t get out of this. I don’t know how I got into this, but I know I can’t walk away from it.

These people came to see a fight and they won’t leave until they do.
Somewhere, somehow I am now walking up to the ring.

I guess to fight, but to tell the truth I have no idea. I don’t feel myself thinking about walking, my feet are just moving.

I have never fought before. I have never hit someone nor had someone hit me.
How is this happening to me, keeps running through my head.

Then there I am looking at myself like I am looking in a full-length mirror, but there is a shine in my eye I have never noticed before.
I am not sure who is who. 

Who am I?
Am I in the mirror?

Am I in the ring?
The announcer tells us to shake on a fair fight as he grabs our hands to reach them out to touch one and other in the middle.  It takes all I have not pull my hand back to my side. All I can think at this point is the sooner this starts, the sooner it will be over.

I try to yell out, that it is me. Both of the fighters are me.
No one seems to notice.

Or cares.

We do some fancy foot work around each other for what seems like eternity.
I hear a voice from the crowd yell out, "do it – hit her."

I wanted to look at who was yelling this but I knew I couldn’t look away.

I held my breath, locked eyes with myself and sent my fist flying through the air with a force I didn’t know I had in me.
Then that was it.

The mirror image of me stepped towards me and hugged me. One of the tightest, whole hearted hugs I have ever felt.
Every ounce of guilt, anger, judgment and all the black ick I had held over my own head for all my life came crumbling down.

Once I realized what was happening, that I was reaching into hug myself, I crumbled into me.
I realized that I was forgiving myself for all that had happened in my life.
For all that I have blamed myself for all these years.
For all the guilt I have lugged around with me for too long.
Then, I heard it again.

That voice.

That voice that was so kind and gentle it was almost magical.
It said, "I knew you could do it.

All you had to do was believe in yourself as much as others do."

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Then what

I went to see the movie Boyhood this weekend with a dear friend I don’t get to see often because – wait for it – life gets in the ways.

This movie touched me way down deep. The deep that makes me get all gitty because I see that other people think the same as I do.

I have been holding out for the WOW moment in my life. 

Even with cancer, I have been holding out for something.

For the next something to be wowed at.

                At first, I was waiting for the cancer to be gone.

Then it was (the first time)

Then I was waiting be like I was before cancer.

Then I was.

Then I got cancer again.

Then I was waiting until it was gone.

Then it was.

Then it wasn’t.

In between all these huge moments that make up this life, I too easily forget that it is in between these huge moments that is really life.

Yes, I have more peaks and valleys then most people, but I am really trying harder to enjoy the whole ride – not just the breathing-taking drops. 

And being ok with the mundane coasting.
I am finding out, that is where you see all the pretty sensory. 

Monday, July 21, 2014

Two headed monster


I don’t know if I have come out and said it before, but I struggle with depression and anxiety.

Once we got home from out trip, the two headed monster came for me.

Some days I do good telling it where to stick it.

Other days, the monster scares me into submission.

It gets in my head and makes up this whole long movie about what a loser I am for not being able to do more…like my other cancer friends do.

Or if the monster is felling really dirty it will make me believe the cancer is back, slowly eating my brain again.

I know, it sounds like a page out of a horror book, but this is my truth.

Eric told me I need to write more because he can tell a difference in me when I write and just get it out. I figure yall are sick of hearing about this crap. Again, the monster talking.

But I do feel better getting it out of me.  Telling the world (or whoever reads this?) my truth.

I want to start telling my truth all the time.

Sunday, July 6, 2014

I am DONE!!!

I just finished it.
I finished writing my book.

Now don't get me wrong, this is a very rough draft but it is my cancer story from 2008-Present.
Right now it is over 500 computer pages long, so I have to cut that down.

I can't say that I am not totally scared, excited, proud and so much more all at the same time.

Wow, I did it.  I wrote a book.  Now to get on with next goal:

edit it
get YouTube channel up

Anyone who is good at editing and want to help me out, I would LOVE IT!
With love,
Renee