Monday, April 28, 2014

Just a day

The air had been thick with heat, humidity and wonder all day. I try not to let thoughts of yesterday’s PET scan slip into my mind, but those thoughts seem to find any crack and so easily slip in and take over.

Today was scheduled as an off day – at least on the books it was.  I didn’t have treatment today but I had my scan yesterday and waiting for the results is no day at the beach.  But I guess in my world there really is never a true off day – especially for my mind.

As I sit here now, my stomach churns from the lunch I just ate with my girlfriends. It wasn’t even much food, but I don’t think it is the food making my stomach hurt.  I don’t seem to be able to eat much in one setting these days.  You would think I could lose weight eating these smaller meals – I can’t.   

My head has a slight headache from the one cocktail I nursed at lunch and from the many, many laughs I shared with my girls.  My feet and hands are already beginning to swell from the food and drink.

I often wonder why I swell so easily and if it does have anything to do with me getting cancer? I guess I will never know.

But it was worth it. 

Lunch with the girls is always worth it.

Even if I am laid up for a day or two after it from using every ounce of my energy and more. I feel like a wet rag wrung out and ran through the ringer.  You know, those ones at the self-serve carwash that will get every last drop of water out of the rag?

I needed this time with them to feel a tad normal again.  Something I have not felt in a long time and actually wondered if it was possible for me to feel again.

Lunch with them used to be at least a 2-3 times a week outing.  We would gather those of us who could go out of the 5 of us mommies and our kids and go wherever our hearts desired. We would take the kids to bounce houses, playgrounds, museums – just us and our kids.  

We felt like we could take on the world with our group.

Life seemed so simple and pure back then.

We would laugh until we cried.  We never ran out of stuff to talk about. We never thought those days would end.

The kids loved having each other to play with.  Sure we would have to break up a fight here and there, we would wipe the tears after a fall, we would carry the kids from the car after they fell asleep on the way home.

That was my life with them – with my mommy friends.

But that was then – this is now.

It is a hard realization to come to that those days are gone in so many ways.  The kids have school, others have had other babies, and I will always have on-going cancer treatment.

It may not always kick my ass like this, but it may.  Only time will tell.

I can never know how I am going to feel one day to the next.  My head might feel like a balloon about to pop from all the pressure on the inside and I sleep away 2-3 days with no recollection of what happened during those days.

Some days my head doesn’t hurt, but my heart feels like it is crumbling due to the anxiety I feel about all of this . The anxiety about my life spinning out of control and I just have to set back and watch.

Some days I feel good enough to fake it.  Fake it to myself and others that this will all be okay. I can almost fake it until I start to believe it – believe this is all one big ugly dream.

But, I always wake up.

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

The merry go round


Looking at it from the outside in, it looks magical.  Painted with deep rich colors that demand attention. It moves with fluid smooth motions.  Light dances off of the mirrors and the music is hypnotic. The horses fit my body like glove – like it was carved just me.

The excitement builds as I get closer to the entrance, and just as it is my turn to get in the gate and pick my horse, I notice the something different.  I can’t put my finger on it but I feel it in my soul.

Then there I was, left to pick my horse. I picked a seat bench because if truth be told I am not a huge fun and the up and down motion while going round and round. My seat was hard with a tilted back that made for a comfortable ride.

I found myself in awe of the detailed carvings – how does one have the patience for that I wonder to myself?

Giggles, laughter and music filled the air – until it didn’t.

I was asked to change seats to a whole new ride, to be with a new group of people I didn’t know. This seemed normal, like they were my tribe.

The air was heavier over here.  Like something intense was about to happen and no one looked each other in the eye for fear of the other person seeing this fear too.  If they noticed it also, it had to be true – right?

I started to notice cracks in the paint and splinters on the pole and sad eyes all around.

I asked where we were at, but nobody answered – nobody knew.

We would sometimes stop and pick up a few new people or drop someone off.

I wanted off.  How were they getting off? Why were they getting off and no one around me got to get off?

Then I noticed something. Once they got off, they never got back on - we never got to see them again. They just kind of floated into the air all the while we were left there to wonder.

So as tired as I was going up and down and round and round, I told myself I had to settle in and try to enjoy the ride.

Then an amazing thing happened,  those of us who were left on the ride noticed each other.  Noticed we weren’t alone on the ride. Noticed there were more things we had in common with one another than being stuck on this ride trying to get off. We noticed all of our horses or bench seats were different in major and minor ways.  They all had a different story to tell – once we stopped to listen to each other.

We asked why.  Why was everyone so different but so much the same? No one knew the answer though.

All we knew was that someone heard once you made it to this ride, you were going to be on this ride for the rest of your life.

That shook us all to the core. Who said that?  How did they know? We all looked at each other so scared we couldn’t talk.  We just cried.

After all the tears dried up, we all had this magical glow around us.

We realized we were there – there for each other – there to help a new one on to the ride; although we really hated it. But we were there none the less for each other – no matter how long  or short someone had been on the ride.

We were there. There. To cry together. To laugh together. To live this life on this merry go round together.

We also realized none of us asked for this.  None of us did or didn’t do one little thing that made us end up here – we were just here. It made it a little easier to know someone else knew what this fucking ride felt like.

We talked with each other.  We got to know each other.  We asked each other questions.  What we did before we were on this ride?  What is your family like? Where is your favorite place to be?  What are you scared of?

That was the one that always got us all. What were we scared of?

None of us could help it – that question would take our breath away and made our hearts race.

We were scared of dying in our 30’s, our kids not having moms, and so much more.  We are scared we didn’t do enough to have our legacy live on?

How will we ever know?

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Empathy




I am sad to say I have noticed something in my life lately…a lack of empathy. A lack of empathy on my part to others. I don’t think this is a brand new thing which makes me sad.

I tend to look at people and their problems in measurement against me and my problems. When someone is complaining about xyz in their life, I tend to start thinking I wonder what  they would do if they were dealing with cancer, a dead leg, migraines, depression and all the other things that seem forever stacked against me.

I realized while praying the other day, it isn’t their problems verses my problems. 

It isn’t a competition  for who wins worst day, week or year.  And all too often I tend to do that – in my mind at least. While someone is trying to let go of their problems I am thinking in the back of my mind – yea like that is a real problem.

But it is a real problem to them and I shouldn’t be so quick to judge because who am I to judge them and their problems?

I don’t know what it is like in their life – their life as a whole.

I have noticed that all I see of a person’s life is a snap shot of a snap shot of maybe a day, or maybe only 1 hour of their day.

I put so much stock into this snap shot and think I know the whole story when in reality I don’t it all.

I don’t want to be like this – to always think my problems trump other problems.

I want to learn to look at other people with an empathic heart and know what I see is only a snapshot in time in their life.